Attention to Detail

Valentine's Day.

My long ago ex-girlfriend and I would occasionally joke about Nine Inch Nails' song "Closer" being our song. I went to a bakery where they were creating custom heart-shaped cookies for Valentine's Day and filled out the request sheet to have the lyrics from the chorus printed with frosting.

Since "I want to fuck you like an animal" was a bit much to fit on one cookie, I decided to have it split between three of them and that's where my mistake was.

I assumed that the clerk knew the song and that I didn't really have to explain that the order I'd written the lyrics was the order they should be packaged.

Unfortunately, the cookie with "I WANT TO" was underneath the first one she took out of the box that said "FUCK YOU."

Lesson Learned, LIKE AN ANIMAL.



HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

LinkedUp:Bring Your World One Step Closer. Much Closer.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: In this modern era where social media keeps everyone connected, and where people are utilizing the power of the internet to make the distance between themselves and others smaller and smaller, we are pleased to announce the latest groundbreaking social networking site.

LinkedUp: See How Close You Really Are.

LinkedUp is a bold step forward in putting personal interaction back into your online connections. Using a series of highly intuitive algorithms and easy to understand graphs and charts, you will be able to easily see who the people you have had an intimate physical interaction with have also had an intimate physical interaction with, and compare the experiences that you shared.

By simply inputting your personal information and the personal information of everyone you have ever intimately known, you will easily be able to see how many steps removed you are from basically sleeping with almost everyone in your social group. LinkedUp is about more than just simply listing your conquests and/or failures, it’s about seeing how interconnected your world really is.

Using the easy to learn five tiered rating system, you can recommend your past flings as ranging from “High Five” (highly recommended/would use again) to “Morning Tip Toes” (strongly urge others not to use/almost doesn’t count.) The more of your friends are using LinkedUp, the more interesting it gets as you can compare recommendations and comment on what other people have said about you or the other people in your LinkedUp network.

While some of our focus groups have complained that LinkedUp has “totally crossed a line with this” and have made some of our subjects feel “violated in ways that I really didn’t even know existed,” we see it as brave new way of a bringing the world one step closer. You've been close to a select few, why not see how close that closeness has brought you to the rest of the world!

By joining LinkedUp today, and being part of our initial launch, you will be in the brave new frontier of living in an online world where nothing is sacred and the assumption of privacy goes the way of the telegraph and the mule powered water wheel. After all, as we all know in the 21st Century, nothing you do really matters unless there is digital proof of it that is instantly available to anyone at all times.

So take your online existence that one giant leap forward. You already share your thoughts, business information, photos and more on current sites like Facebook, LinkedIn and Flickr, why not start sharing the information that your parents’ generation thought of as “private” and “totally inappropriate for almost all social situations.” You'll be glad you did, and you'll be amazed at what you can learn about yourself in the process.

LinkedUp: Where Your Physical Exploits get a Digital Life.

Two Rather Pointless Essays.

Introduction: Facebook posted something about working with them to review new products, and asked for the submission of 2 questions and their corresponding questions. These were my submissions.



What is the most effective way of not working, yet appearing to do so?

When one approaches the somewhat difficult task of remaining employed while maintaining a vigorous routine of not actually doing any real work, they must take several things into account and thoroughly follow up at all times.

First: Always show up for work at least 10 minutes before you are scheduled to do so. This gives your employer the impression that, unlike your coworkers, you are strongly committed to the job. If your job involves working at a desk, try to have at least two work related windows open at all times. When new hires are introduced, go out of your way to make them feel welcome by introducing them to other people in your office who can answer any questions they might have.

Second: Make sure that you always look like you are busy; this will lower the possibility of any further work being given to you. It is also extremely important to do high quality work on what little you might do; this will ensure your employer remembers you as a talented worker who values quality over quantity. Pay very close attention to what work is being assigned to your fellow workers, and always ask your direct supervisor if there is anything else you can do as soon as you know that all work has been assigned.

Third: Be friendly and make eye contact with everyone you work with. A worker who accomplishes nothing as well as being easily forgettable is much more likely to have their employment terminated.

Now you are well on your way to the life of semi-leisure you desire, all while technically having a job and making a paycheck. Good luck.



What is the best way of surviving an attack by an imaginary beast?

Although not something that is given much credence by the scientific community, there are attacks by imaginary creatures nearly every single day. While nearly all of these attacks result in little to no actual harm to the person being attacked, there are still several tactics that can ensure your absolute safety.

To be absolutely sure of your survival, you need to ascertain the root cause of the attacks in question. If you are someone who has been diagnosed as having schizophrenia or another similar type of mental disorder, the attacks are most likely brought on by an internal struggle that is manifested as something trying to kill you that technically doesn’t exist. If you are in that unfortunate position, remain calm and pay attention to the small percentage of voices in your head that are telling you everything will be alright, even if you are tempted to believe the more negative and slightly louder ones telling you that death is likely.

Interestingly, many attacks by imaginary creatures are the result of childhood imaginary friends who somehow get out of control. In certain cases, the imaginary friend people create at a young age to deal with some sort of trauma or feelings of neglect begin to feel hostile towards that child growing up and meeting real people, and they begin to react in increasingly negative ways. Remain calm, and know that no harm can come to you unless you casually mention the attacks to the real people in your life. Doing so will likely cause the end of your healthy relationships and perhaps cause you to create more imaginary friends that may eventually turn bad as well.

At all times, remember that the key word is “imaginary,” and everything will be fine.

the not so Quiet American.

The entire time that I was in China in 2001, I tried my best to be a good representative for America. I was polite and respectful of cultural differences, and only a few times did I truly descend into the classic, loud American that is the reason why so much of the world thinks we are all like that.

There are times, however, when one cannot help but be yet another belligerent tourist in a strange land, and give people the wrong ideas. This is one of those magical times.

The evening started out like most of the others, with several bottles of Steinlager and the careful selection of music to take out on my nightly skating trips. After deciding on Portishead, I grabbed my board and headed out into the night.

Everything was going smoothly, skating past ancient walls and tiny shops selling trinkets and food, until out of nowhere I was lifted up and off of my board by a taxi cab. As I flew over the hood and then the roof of the crazy fucker’s automobile, I remember thinking “I really hope to god that my beer doesn’t break!”

It did, all over the concrete. And so did my wrist, in a few places.

As my dignity sped away with the taxi, I started realizing that no amount of sitting there would alleviate the pain in my strangely crooked wrist. I picked up my skateboard and went back to where Seth was busy not getting hit by cars or breaking limbs.

“What the fuck happened to you?!” he asked me

“I don’t. Fuck! I think that. God damn mother fuckers!” I replied, in the strange poetic way of speaking that eludes all but the most severely injured. “Fucking taxi hit me and shit!”

“Maybe you should go see a doctor or something” He suggested.

“No, fuck. I’m fine!” I said, as the internet café people looked at my bleeding hand with a look of shock. “I just need to sit down.”

“No really, your hand looks pretty fucked up and you're bleeding all over the floor. At least get something for the pain”

So we hailed a cab, and somehow made it to a pharmacy. Now at the time this happened, I had a job back in Portland working at a pharmacy, so I had a pretty thorough grasp of American pharmacy laws. I was just hoping that in China they were more like the mythical Mexican drug laws where you can just waltz in and demand anything you want with no hassles.

After finding the correct section of my phrase book, I started asking them for everything from Morphine to Vicodin. They refused them all, and offered me a package of ibuprofen and a bottle of water.

“I am a young American doctor!” I screamed at them. “Hippocratic oath and all that shit!”

Seth was looking noticeably uncomfortable, and suggested that I purchase the ibuprofen and that we maybe head back to our room in the compound before the pharmacists got angry with my increasingly erratic behavior.

The last thing that I said before he physically dragged me out and into the street was “Do the words ‘Doogie Howser’ mean anything to you motherfuckers?!”

the morning after a long evening in my nineteenth year...

“…So they found your cell phone in Washington Park last night.” My mother informed me.

“Oh great!” I said, even though I had just woken up in bed with two girls, and hadn’t really noticed it was missing yet.

“Yes, apparently it was in the pocket of your pants." She said, as though this was a completely normal thing to tell your son at 7 o’clock on a Saturday morning. "Next to your shoes, socks, underwear, shirt, hat, two dresses and three empty bottles of wine.”

“Oh.” I didn’t really know what to say at that point. “Okay, well. Thanks for letting me know. I guess I’ll go get my phone then.”

Meanwhile, high above the Pacific Ocean...

In 2001, after a chaotic two months that involved everything from 9/11 occurring while in the midst of a severe tequila hangover haze to my friend and I accidentally becoming illegal immigrants in China due to an unfortunate Visa error, I was finally on a plane back to America.

Since the flight back is incredibly long, and Seth wanted to sleep, I gave him some Ambien. Within about 10 minutes, my traveling companion was exhibiting the typical signs of being deeply asleep, and other than the occasional required shrug to dislodge his snoring and drooling face from my shoulder, he stayed completely motionless for several hours.

After a few too many hours of the artificial night that comes from everyone shutting their blinds at the same time and pretending that it’s not sunny outside, the flight attendant came by and asked if we would like some breakfast. I said that we both would, and she dropped off two trays of food and two cups of coffee.

After drinking my cup rather quickly, and realizing it would be a while before she would return with a refill, I switched cups with Seth and drank his as well. I really didn’t think he’d mind. After very quietly trying to rouse him from his slumber, I took it upon myself to decide he really wasn’t hungry, and would probably just like to sleep. So, after placing a knife and fork in both of his hands and tucking a napkin into his collar like a bib, I switched our trays and proceeded to eat a second breakfast.

The attendant came by when I was halfway through Seth’s tray and asked if we’d like a refill on our coffee.

“You bet I would!” I said with a smile. “And my friend here would probably like some as well. He looks like he could use it!”

She stared down at Seth, and seemed to be putting a lot of thought into how someone apparently woke up, drank a cup of coffee, ate an entire tray of food, and then passed back out while still clutching his utensils, and who now was in dire need of a second cup of coffee.

“I’m a slow eater.” I said, while nibbling on a piece of fruit.

She poured the coffee and continued on her refill route while I thoroughly enjoyed my 3^rd and 4^th cups of coffee. Seth, of course, kept on with his morning routine of snoring, drooling on his bib and holding onto his knife and fork.

“Is there anything else I can get for you?” She asked when came back by, obviously ready to clear everything away.

“I’m fine, but he might want something” I said, nodding towards Seth.

I nudged him, and after much longer than the attendant probably wanted to wait, he finally opened his eyes.

“Seth! This lady wants to know if you want anything else!”

He stared at me, stared at her, and then stared at the now empty plate in front of him.

“I think I want some breakfast, and maybe some coffee!” he said, although gesticulating wildly while holding onto a fork doesn’t really do much in an effort to prove you haven’t eaten yet.

After the attendant said that they don’t normally give people two plates of food, and Seth trying to explain that he really didn’t think he’d even had a first plate yet, I had to admit that I had eaten everything. The flight attendant looked annoyed, but she came back and gave him breakfast, although I’m pretty sure his empty tray stayed there for nearly an hour after he was done.

Needless to say, she was really not too kind for the rest of the flight, and I certainly learned a valuable lesson about…

No, I really didn’t learn anything other than the simple fact that making people think, even for a brief and shining moment, that they have done something like eat and forget about it, is hilarious.

One night, about two years ago, I was sitting on the roof of a decaying house watching the lunar eclipse with my best friend of many years.

As we watched the darkness devour the face of the Moon; he slowly turned to me and asked: “Why is it that we so rarely hear about eclipses where the Sun passes in front of the Moon?”

I stared at him, mouth agape, and asked him to please repeat the brilliant query that had just passed from his lips and into my ears.

“I just think it would be more of a regular occurrence, don’t you?” he said, as though it was the most sensible idea he had come across in recent memory.

“So let me see if I understand you correctly.” I asked, as calmly as possible, and trying not to sound that condescending. “You are literally wondering why the Sun does not get between the Earth and the Moon more often?”

This back and forth of “How come?” and “Are you serious?” probably went on for a good five minutes before he realized just what he was asking.

“Why don’t we just pretend I never said anything” he said, as though I could ever forget about it. “Let’s just go back to watching the moon disappear.”

a friend asked me how my parents were doing, so I responded:

My parents are completely different than when you knew them. My dad gave up riding a bike so he could focus on his real passions: NASCAR, cheap fortified wine and cigars. He also burned his beloved piano one night in a drunken rage after a long night of shooting his shotgun at the moon and throwing rib bones for his favorite pitbull. That man sure does love his dogs, gun and liquor!

And my mom, well, she realized that art and food just don't cut it anymore, so she decided to become a full time bingo caller as well as running a full service male escort service out of their basement. It's a pretty ruthless career, but she's a real spitfire, so she holds her own.

Other than that, they're the same old Sarah and David that they always have been.

The Future of AntiSocial Networking.

EraseBook: The Future of AntiSocial Networking.

It seems that everywhere you look these days, you hear about the “Social Media Revolution.” With everyone focusing so much attention on this phenomenon, it seems like most people have lost sight of the fact that some people don’t want to reconnect with high school pals or compare how many friends they have in an online community of their peers.

And that’s where we come in.

Hello, my name is Brian Auker, founder and CEO of the future of internet non-communication. EraseBook: Where you can look up everyone you have ever known, and completely sever all contact.

Man with Less than Firm Grasp on Reality Starves to Death while Playing Café World on Facebook.

-Desmond Walker, a prominent visitor to the Central Library, passed away at his library computer on Tuesday. He was 43. A librarian noticed he wasn’t breathing when she went to tell him that the library would be closing in 15 minutes.

Mr. Walker, a local homeless man who people described as both quiet and easy to forget, had been known to sit for hours at a time in front of the public computer terminals, mainly using the popular social networking site Facebook.

“I talked to him last week about his plans for the future, and he seemed to have some pretty interesting prospects,” recalled Darren Winters, a volunteer at the library. “He told me that he’d been pretty wrapped in the mafia lifestyle for a while, and made it pretty far before moving on to more wholesome activities.”

Mr. Walker would often regale people seated next to him with his exploits, which according to some have spanned from a hired thug to his most recent job as the owner of an online café.

“The first time I met the guy we was talking about how he quit the mob so he could work on his farm full time,” remembers Leslie Delacroix, a retiree who frequents the library. “He was really proud about all of the gifts he gave his neighbors, usually when they didn’t ask for or even want them."

Last Tuesday, a virtual lifetime of digital achievements was extinguished when Desmond Walker somehow forgot to eat for what was apparently well over a week. He was so wrapped up in making the animated characters on his computer screen happy, that this peaceful benefactor expired doing what he loved doing best: making people who may or may not exist happy in their world.

...it's off to the show!

…and then I woke up and decided that if anyone was going to change the world, it might as well be me.

So I gathered my words and my pens and my paper. I gathered my friends and ideas and thoughts, and I set off to find the best way to begin.

I traveled the land and the sea and the sky. I walked among towers and valleys and towns, and still I knew not how to begin.

And then I found you, and I knew where to start, it was as simple as finding your heart. So I looked in your eyes and I whispered “I know!” And you whispered the same, and it was off to the show.

Not shows like the rows and the tents of a fair, but something much grander, much greater, more there!

A show of the weight and the wonder of life!

A show so spectacular, so splendid, so real,
That everyone, anyone can’t help but feel,
The rush of existence, the beauty of now!

And that, my dear friend, is all that we need.

sentenc(ed)

“You look like you think that you thought me up.”

she said to me, with a panic I hadn’t yet seen.

fragment.*

"I’m not saying that I want to be an actor, I think you misunderstood me.

I am an actor every single day that I’m alive.

I act happy, act sad, act like I care about things that don’t interest me at all.

I act concerned, act sympathetic for people I don’t care about and act like things excite me that really don’t matter in any way."

*this is a section of a monologue i wrote. this in no way represents my own personal feelings. i was trying to see if i could write someone who is totally unlikable, cold and thoroughly unlike myself. from the many responses I’ve gotten, people seemed to think this was me expressing some true feelings, which is not the case. thanks for reading!

Shelf Space

I was at a Walmart for the 4th time in my life the other day and I saw Burt’s Bees products there, and it really got me thinking about how a tenacious little company like Burt’s got to share shelf space at the worlds largest retailer. Because it’s not such a little company anymore… Clorox owns Burt’s Bees now, which obviously allows it to expand to a much larger market.

It’s always a hard feeling to figure out, that strange sense of abandonment when a small company gives in and either completely sells itself to a larger corporation (i.e. Pepsi owns Naked Juice, Coke owns Odwalla), or follows more of a distribution deal model (i.e. Widmer Brothers is distributed by Anheuser-Busch, which also holds minority shares in it, and Natural American Spirits are distributed by and partially owned by R.J. Reynolds.)

I always want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope against hope that the quality and care put into the products will stay the same, but it seldom happens that way. Obviously, if you run a business that once ran out of a house and sold items to a few hundred people, you could focus more attention on every individual thing. And assuming you started your company with the intent on spreading quality products to as many people as possible; you’re going to continue in that direction. But it’s the classic quantity versus quality conundrum, one which is difficult to solve.



And no, I’m not looking at this through the eyes of a child. Of course if I had a company and saw the opportunity to make more money and get my product to more people I would jump on it. Also, even if it reeks of disgusting monolithic companies like Walmart just pandering to people by offering a selection of natural and organic products, I am glad that better things are being made available to more people.

And yet, as I apply my pleasantly mentholated, 100% natural lip balm, eat my organic energy bar and smoke my all natural cigarettes; I can’t help but still feel like a consumer whore, albeit one with slightly better taste than the average person.

Revised Books for Safer Family Reading Time!

Fuck the Library Banned Books List, why not just completely rewrite these classics so nobody gets offended? Life wasn't meant to have anything wrong with it, and why should your reading material be any different.



Where the Mild Things Are. By Maurice Sendback In this heartwarming tale of familial harmony, Max eats a fantastic supper with his mother, puts on his pajamas, (which are made to look just like a fluffy sheep,) and goes to sleep feeling full and well loved.

Lord of the Butterflies. By William Molding This terrific little adventure tale begins when a plane full of school chums accidentally ends up on a deserted island! Ralph and Jack are two pals who like to play and swim all day long. Their other little friend Piggy is a whole lot to love, and his antics will roll you over like a boulder tumbling down a cliff. Hilarity ensues when they boys imagine that a beast is on the island with them, but it’s all just a game. Don’t miss the surprise ending, when everything turns out okay!

Animal Pharm. By George Boreswell. In this urban update of the classic allegorical novel, “the pigs is gonna get it!” Imagine the confusion when the pigs begin to look and behave just like “The Man.” You’ll laugh along with the whole barnyard when Boxer says “Damn, Benjamin. If the Pigs are the Man, and the Man is a fuckin’ Pig, then who the fuck can we trust anymore?” Sure to be a classic for years to come.

Ender’s Fun Time Happy Game. By Mormon Scott Hard. Everyone’s favorite third is about to experience a whole lot of fun! Join in as he learns how fun anti-gravity can be! And just like Commander Graff says “How can you frown when there’s no down?”

The Really Good Book: Part One. By God (edited by Man) In this wonderful version of the cherished tome, everything that can go right does! After a brief introduction that pretty much covers it all (It was dark, and then god let stuff be, and then someone begat someone else who begat someone else, and then people did things that were wrong, so they lost their lease on the garden…) Things get pretty wild! Two brothers have an argument, and one of them decides to solve it with a hug! Everyone lived to be a billion, people can make oceans part, unicorns and jackalopes get left behind by mean old man Noah and eating certain food was considered wrong because… Hey! Who knows?!? It’s all part of the wacky times to be found in this good book. The only commandment you’re gonna need is “thou shalt purchase this book!”

The Even Better Good Book: Part Two, Good by Dawn. By God (edited and somewhat thoroughly proofread for things that contradict other things by Man) In this sequel to one of the best selling books ever written, lots more crazy stuff happens! But this time, there’s a magical man who has come to save everyone! Turn on your logic blinders, because you’re in for a fun time in the ancient land of magic!



side note: yes, I am fully aware that the Animal Pharm one really has no business being on this list. So fucking whatever. It made me laugh, so I kept it.