Fuck the Library Banned Books List, why not just completely rewrite these classics so nobody gets offended? Life wasn't meant to have anything wrong with it, and why should your reading material be any different.
Where the Mild Things Are. By Maurice Sendback In this heartwarming tale of familial harmony, Max eats a fantastic supper with his mother, puts on his pajamas, (which are made to look just like a fluffy sheep,) and goes to sleep feeling full and well loved.
Lord of the Butterflies. By William Molding This terrific little adventure tale begins when a plane full of school chums accidentally ends up on a deserted island! Ralph and Jack are two pals who like to play and swim all day long. Their other little friend Piggy is a whole lot to love, and his antics will roll you over like a boulder tumbling down a cliff. Hilarity ensues when they boys imagine that a beast is on the island with them, but it’s all just a game. Don’t miss the surprise ending, when everything turns out okay!
Animal Pharm. By George Boreswell. In this urban update of the classic allegorical novel, “the pigs is gonna get it!” Imagine the confusion when the pigs begin to look and behave just like “The Man.” You’ll laugh along with the whole barnyard when Boxer says “Damn, Benjamin. If the Pigs are the Man, and the Man is a fuckin’ Pig, then who the fuck can we trust anymore?” Sure to be a classic for years to come.
Ender’s Fun Time Happy Game. By Mormon Scott Hard. Everyone’s favorite third is about to experience a whole lot of fun! Join in as he learns how fun anti-gravity can be! And just like Commander Graff says “How can you frown when there’s no down?”
The Really Good Book: Part One. By God (edited by Man) In this wonderful version of the cherished tome, everything that can go right does! After a brief introduction that pretty much covers it all (It was dark, and then god let stuff be, and then someone begat someone else who begat someone else, and then people did things that were wrong, so they lost their lease on the garden…) Things get pretty wild! Two brothers have an argument, and one of them decides to solve it with a hug! Everyone lived to be a billion, people can make oceans part, unicorns and jackalopes get left behind by mean old man Noah and eating certain food was considered wrong because… Hey! Who knows?!? It’s all part of the wacky times to be found in this good book. The only commandment you’re gonna need is “thou shalt purchase this book!”
The Even Better Good Book: Part Two, Good by Dawn. By God (edited and somewhat thoroughly proofread for things that contradict other things by Man) In this sequel to one of the best selling books ever written, lots more crazy stuff happens! But this time, there’s a magical man who has come to save everyone! Turn on your logic blinders, because you’re in for a fun time in the ancient land of magic!
side note: yes, I am fully aware that the Animal Pharm one really has no business being on this list. So fucking whatever. It made me laugh, so I kept it.
i love this.
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