sentenc(ed)

“You look like you think that you thought me up.”

she said to me, with a panic I hadn’t yet seen.

fragment.*

"I’m not saying that I want to be an actor, I think you misunderstood me.

I am an actor every single day that I’m alive.

I act happy, act sad, act like I care about things that don’t interest me at all.

I act concerned, act sympathetic for people I don’t care about and act like things excite me that really don’t matter in any way."

*this is a section of a monologue i wrote. this in no way represents my own personal feelings. i was trying to see if i could write someone who is totally unlikable, cold and thoroughly unlike myself. from the many responses I’ve gotten, people seemed to think this was me expressing some true feelings, which is not the case. thanks for reading!

Shelf Space

I was at a Walmart for the 4th time in my life the other day and I saw Burt’s Bees products there, and it really got me thinking about how a tenacious little company like Burt’s got to share shelf space at the worlds largest retailer. Because it’s not such a little company anymore… Clorox owns Burt’s Bees now, which obviously allows it to expand to a much larger market.

It’s always a hard feeling to figure out, that strange sense of abandonment when a small company gives in and either completely sells itself to a larger corporation (i.e. Pepsi owns Naked Juice, Coke owns Odwalla), or follows more of a distribution deal model (i.e. Widmer Brothers is distributed by Anheuser-Busch, which also holds minority shares in it, and Natural American Spirits are distributed by and partially owned by R.J. Reynolds.)

I always want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope against hope that the quality and care put into the products will stay the same, but it seldom happens that way. Obviously, if you run a business that once ran out of a house and sold items to a few hundred people, you could focus more attention on every individual thing. And assuming you started your company with the intent on spreading quality products to as many people as possible; you’re going to continue in that direction. But it’s the classic quantity versus quality conundrum, one which is difficult to solve.



And no, I’m not looking at this through the eyes of a child. Of course if I had a company and saw the opportunity to make more money and get my product to more people I would jump on it. Also, even if it reeks of disgusting monolithic companies like Walmart just pandering to people by offering a selection of natural and organic products, I am glad that better things are being made available to more people.

And yet, as I apply my pleasantly mentholated, 100% natural lip balm, eat my organic energy bar and smoke my all natural cigarettes; I can’t help but still feel like a consumer whore, albeit one with slightly better taste than the average person.

Revised Books for Safer Family Reading Time!

Fuck the Library Banned Books List, why not just completely rewrite these classics so nobody gets offended? Life wasn't meant to have anything wrong with it, and why should your reading material be any different.



Where the Mild Things Are. By Maurice Sendback In this heartwarming tale of familial harmony, Max eats a fantastic supper with his mother, puts on his pajamas, (which are made to look just like a fluffy sheep,) and goes to sleep feeling full and well loved.

Lord of the Butterflies. By William Molding This terrific little adventure tale begins when a plane full of school chums accidentally ends up on a deserted island! Ralph and Jack are two pals who like to play and swim all day long. Their other little friend Piggy is a whole lot to love, and his antics will roll you over like a boulder tumbling down a cliff. Hilarity ensues when they boys imagine that a beast is on the island with them, but it’s all just a game. Don’t miss the surprise ending, when everything turns out okay!

Animal Pharm. By George Boreswell. In this urban update of the classic allegorical novel, “the pigs is gonna get it!” Imagine the confusion when the pigs begin to look and behave just like “The Man.” You’ll laugh along with the whole barnyard when Boxer says “Damn, Benjamin. If the Pigs are the Man, and the Man is a fuckin’ Pig, then who the fuck can we trust anymore?” Sure to be a classic for years to come.

Ender’s Fun Time Happy Game. By Mormon Scott Hard. Everyone’s favorite third is about to experience a whole lot of fun! Join in as he learns how fun anti-gravity can be! And just like Commander Graff says “How can you frown when there’s no down?”

The Really Good Book: Part One. By God (edited by Man) In this wonderful version of the cherished tome, everything that can go right does! After a brief introduction that pretty much covers it all (It was dark, and then god let stuff be, and then someone begat someone else who begat someone else, and then people did things that were wrong, so they lost their lease on the garden…) Things get pretty wild! Two brothers have an argument, and one of them decides to solve it with a hug! Everyone lived to be a billion, people can make oceans part, unicorns and jackalopes get left behind by mean old man Noah and eating certain food was considered wrong because… Hey! Who knows?!? It’s all part of the wacky times to be found in this good book. The only commandment you’re gonna need is “thou shalt purchase this book!”

The Even Better Good Book: Part Two, Good by Dawn. By God (edited and somewhat thoroughly proofread for things that contradict other things by Man) In this sequel to one of the best selling books ever written, lots more crazy stuff happens! But this time, there’s a magical man who has come to save everyone! Turn on your logic blinders, because you’re in for a fun time in the ancient land of magic!



side note: yes, I am fully aware that the Animal Pharm one really has no business being on this list. So fucking whatever. It made me laugh, so I kept it.

true story... (this is not done, since i don't really know what the point of it was going to be.)

He approached me on the balcony of my naval barracks, and started talking about the hard job that he had to accomplish over the weekend. I asked him, like most people would when pretending to care, what exactly his job was and what it entailed.

“Well I’m working on making firebombs tonight,” he said, as though it was something not out of the ordinary to discuss producing explosive devices in one’s room. “And tomorrow we take the fortress walls, hopefully not losing too many men.”

I could tell by his pasty white skin and natural aversion to light that the kid was a habitual video game player, but I was still not fully prepared for his complete detachment from what us mortals refer to as “reality.”

Apparently he was a member of a powerful guild by night, and only worked as an aircraft mechanic during the day to pay for Mountain Dew and an internet connection. Incredible awe doesn’t even begin to cover my reaction to being in the presence of such greatness. In fact, I took a look at my own life and began to feel as though it has all been just a waste of time.

Had I known that living far from sunlight and learning how to make things happen in a fictional realm would one day be considered a “skill,” I surely would have not spent so much of my childhood learning to climb trees, make art and identify constellations and my adolescence would not have been wasted playing instruments, skateboarding and seeing the world.