a true and mostly accurate history. (fiction)

slate.com WAS hosting a story contest. the challenge was writing a fictional story describing the significance of this useless object. the deadline is already over, and i hadn't thought of anything, so i just started writing and this came out.


Taken from volume 17 of “A true and mostly accurate history of little known achievements that our fine southern states accomplished during the terrible conflict” by Randolph Bevington II.

Although not usually included in most histories of the southern United States, there was a brief time when the world of civil war chefs and barbers overlapped.
In early autumn of 1865, less than a year before the end of our nation’s bloodiest internal conflict, two unique circumstances occurred that changed the world of culinary experimentation and follicular removal forever.

A blockade set up by confederate troops around Savannah, Georgia effectively cut the city off from both land based and sea based access to supplies. While some historians might argue that the lack of ammunition and other materials were the downfall of this group of hardened soldiers, there are other theories that stand up to the test of time.

As anyone who has been to Savannah can attest, it has long been home to a certain kind of eccentric southerner, and wartime was no different. These men were tough as nails, and willing to die to preserve their confederate states, but they were also men with a certain vanity. Due to an ill placed ink stain on a requisition form, they had received a shipment of 300 large mirrors and several cases of Barbecue sauce instead of the requested 300 yards of linen that was needed to clothe the officer’s wives and the several cases of ammunition that they so badly needed to hold off the approaching Union soldiers.
This terrible mistake led to an almost immediate drop in morale among the men. With the abundance of mirrors, they were able to finally see, after months of blissful ignorance, just how haggard they had become. They went from men who could foresee the end of the war through long, stringy hair into men who wanted the dignity of looking decent while facing certain defeat.

Two men would be the catalyst that the men needed to, if not win the war, at least feel good about their outward appearance while losing handedly. Laswell Covington, a cook from Savannah who had been drafted to feed the troops, and Jamison Leavenworth, a prominent local barber who had accidentally volunteered his services in exchange for a cup of sugar were those men.
Using the supplies they had on hand, which included the barbecue sauce, mirrors and several straight razors, they went to work. Mr. Covington applied the barbecue sauce as only a master chef can, and Mr. Leavenworth proceeded to give the men the close shave that they so richly deserved.

When the Union army took the city a few months later, they found something that many would never forget. A group of well groomed men who seemed to be, judging from the overwhelming odor, rather intent on guarding a barbecue loaded with vittles. They never found the barbecue, and we will never forget those confederate heroes.

Item No: _______________ Sauce jar, with lather brush.