LinkedUp:Bring Your World One Step Closer. Much Closer.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: In this modern era where social media keeps everyone connected, and where people are utilizing the power of the internet to make the distance between themselves and others smaller and smaller, we are pleased to announce the latest groundbreaking social networking site.

LinkedUp: See How Close You Really Are.

LinkedUp is a bold step forward in putting personal interaction back into your online connections. Using a series of highly intuitive algorithms and easy to understand graphs and charts, you will be able to easily see who the people you have had an intimate physical interaction with have also had an intimate physical interaction with, and compare the experiences that you shared.

By simply inputting your personal information and the personal information of everyone you have ever intimately known, you will easily be able to see how many steps removed you are from basically sleeping with almost everyone in your social group. LinkedUp is about more than just simply listing your conquests and/or failures, it’s about seeing how interconnected your world really is.

Using the easy to learn five tiered rating system, you can recommend your past flings as ranging from “High Five” (highly recommended/would use again) to “Morning Tip Toes” (strongly urge others not to use/almost doesn’t count.) The more of your friends are using LinkedUp, the more interesting it gets as you can compare recommendations and comment on what other people have said about you or the other people in your LinkedUp network.

While some of our focus groups have complained that LinkedUp has “totally crossed a line with this” and have made some of our subjects feel “violated in ways that I really didn’t even know existed,” we see it as brave new way of a bringing the world one step closer. You've been close to a select few, why not see how close that closeness has brought you to the rest of the world!

By joining LinkedUp today, and being part of our initial launch, you will be in the brave new frontier of living in an online world where nothing is sacred and the assumption of privacy goes the way of the telegraph and the mule powered water wheel. After all, as we all know in the 21st Century, nothing you do really matters unless there is digital proof of it that is instantly available to anyone at all times.

So take your online existence that one giant leap forward. You already share your thoughts, business information, photos and more on current sites like Facebook, LinkedIn and Flickr, why not start sharing the information that your parents’ generation thought of as “private” and “totally inappropriate for almost all social situations.” You'll be glad you did, and you'll be amazed at what you can learn about yourself in the process.

LinkedUp: Where Your Physical Exploits get a Digital Life.

Two Rather Pointless Essays.

Introduction: Facebook posted something about working with them to review new products, and asked for the submission of 2 questions and their corresponding questions. These were my submissions.



What is the most effective way of not working, yet appearing to do so?

When one approaches the somewhat difficult task of remaining employed while maintaining a vigorous routine of not actually doing any real work, they must take several things into account and thoroughly follow up at all times.

First: Always show up for work at least 10 minutes before you are scheduled to do so. This gives your employer the impression that, unlike your coworkers, you are strongly committed to the job. If your job involves working at a desk, try to have at least two work related windows open at all times. When new hires are introduced, go out of your way to make them feel welcome by introducing them to other people in your office who can answer any questions they might have.

Second: Make sure that you always look like you are busy; this will lower the possibility of any further work being given to you. It is also extremely important to do high quality work on what little you might do; this will ensure your employer remembers you as a talented worker who values quality over quantity. Pay very close attention to what work is being assigned to your fellow workers, and always ask your direct supervisor if there is anything else you can do as soon as you know that all work has been assigned.

Third: Be friendly and make eye contact with everyone you work with. A worker who accomplishes nothing as well as being easily forgettable is much more likely to have their employment terminated.

Now you are well on your way to the life of semi-leisure you desire, all while technically having a job and making a paycheck. Good luck.



What is the best way of surviving an attack by an imaginary beast?

Although not something that is given much credence by the scientific community, there are attacks by imaginary creatures nearly every single day. While nearly all of these attacks result in little to no actual harm to the person being attacked, there are still several tactics that can ensure your absolute safety.

To be absolutely sure of your survival, you need to ascertain the root cause of the attacks in question. If you are someone who has been diagnosed as having schizophrenia or another similar type of mental disorder, the attacks are most likely brought on by an internal struggle that is manifested as something trying to kill you that technically doesn’t exist. If you are in that unfortunate position, remain calm and pay attention to the small percentage of voices in your head that are telling you everything will be alright, even if you are tempted to believe the more negative and slightly louder ones telling you that death is likely.

Interestingly, many attacks by imaginary creatures are the result of childhood imaginary friends who somehow get out of control. In certain cases, the imaginary friend people create at a young age to deal with some sort of trauma or feelings of neglect begin to feel hostile towards that child growing up and meeting real people, and they begin to react in increasingly negative ways. Remain calm, and know that no harm can come to you unless you casually mention the attacks to the real people in your life. Doing so will likely cause the end of your healthy relationships and perhaps cause you to create more imaginary friends that may eventually turn bad as well.

At all times, remember that the key word is “imaginary,” and everything will be fine.